god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
