He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
