This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
