why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Two words: blizzard sex
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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