wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
