so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
