How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
