I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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