Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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