so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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