I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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