I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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