My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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