So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
