we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
