is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
