Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
