Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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