My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
