The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
