i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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