Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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