:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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