My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
