I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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