He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
