You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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