I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
