He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So squirting runs in the family.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
