guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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