my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
