Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
