I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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