I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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