Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
