Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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