My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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