God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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