I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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