I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
