you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
