Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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