Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
