as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
