1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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