my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
