Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
