He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
