I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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