Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
