I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
