i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
