i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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