Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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