can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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