I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
