Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
