Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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