we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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