i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
