Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
