i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
