Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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