So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
