once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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