When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
