Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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